Glorfunk's "Dumb Stuff I Do"

Close Encounters

2011-09-07T07:30:00.001-07:00

I must go. I cannot explain the compulsion but something deep cannot be denied. I have been summoned and I shall obey. I am waiting for the mashed potato sculpture to start.

A Lesser of Two Evils

2009-02-24T12:03:00.000-08:00

Well i just may have kicked the smoking habit for good. Plus i get to use a product called "Rape" Which really has turned out to be my favorite. Ignore the apostrophe, it's more funny that way.
Growing under the Mason Dixon line, I could never get over the rivers of brown goo associated with the practice and lets face it, American tobacco is a toxic waist dump. However i've never had an attempt go so smoothly. I haven't missed it at all. So i'm finding ways to reconcile it in my mind. Most importantly there are no rivers of brown goo. Plus i can just be arrogant and pious "I don't use that American crap. This is Scandinavian" Because really, can anything bad come from the land of gunther?

Alcoholic FAIL

2009-01-08T09:33:00.000-08:00

So new years was fun. Unfortunately I am alcohol impaired and have no fear of puking. I just never can get there to that passed out drunk place. A few beers and a shot of tequila and my body goes "this isn't fun anymore." Off to the bathroom and all is well again. Alcoholic FAIL.

More Dumb Stuff I Do

2008-11-24T10:38:00.000-08:00

I did not expect this level of dirty and underhanded methods from a people who hold the game in such esteem and reverence. Yet to show up to the Vegas Tournament completely sober and rested has brought the Canadians to a new low. It flies in the the face of everything beer league hockey stands for and just proves that there is nothing they won't do to win. I hope they are ashamed of themselves.
By some miracle of fate i managed to survive with all my teeth intact, my body on the other hand is going to need a week to recover. Apparently "busting your ass" is not just an expression. Mine is most certainly malfunctioning in some way. The referees were shall we say disinterested and i took some good hits. As a result the pace was absolutely breakneck. The Canadians where great to watch. They picked us apart so effectively i had to remind myself to keep playing and not just stand there in amazement in how good they were. I really had to step up and i played better and faster than i have in a really long time. The tournament drove home how lazy i've been playing.

The Calender Should Be Out Soon

2008-11-10T10:23:00.000-08:00

Soaring to new heights yet unattained, i now stand amongst the rank of the elite urban warriors protecting and serving as i must do when life is on the line. Let me explain. when one practices super villainy such as myself eventually the need for a evil lair becomes absolute. I have recently found myself to this point as nefarious and diabolical projects were beginning to spill out of the office into less evil environments. Not to mention that long hikes for tools back and forth were annoying resulting in implements of destruction being left out and not returned to their proper places. Mrs. Evil is patient but she still gets annoyed resulting in less than evil fun time. So I'm in the process consolidating and converting the garage into one massive headquarters for heinous acts of an unspeakable nature.
Enter winter, the most vile of seasons and the evil lair has no central heat. A rather dubious kerosene heater was brought out of deep storage and pressed into service. Sure, many high ranking super villains have run their lairs 24/7 but i simply haven't got the budget so there is a bit of a power up delay before things are fully online, i.e. not totally freezing. With the kerosene heater, about 20min. So activating the power up sequence i returned to the house to await the dastardly fun which would no doubt ensue. When i returned at the appointed time i was greeted with dense smoke emanating from the frame of the secret entrance and the sure knowledge that i was about to witness a chemically driven fire of epic proportions. I have no patience for OSHA and my chemical safety protocols are lax.
The phrase "so thick you can cut it with a knife" while often overused is a completely accurate description of what i experience when i opened to door. I've never experienced anything quite like it. The air had mass, a lot of mass and was completely opaque. There are 4 four foot shop lights on the ceiling and it was completely dark. Fortunately the fire was contained in the heater itself and once i located said offending heater i managed to turn it off.

The penalty for failure is death.

So a new propane shop heater is now in service and power up times have been reduced to 5 minuets. A serendipitous byproduct of all this is the entire lair is now covered in soot inadvertently improving the aura of evil it projects.

No Matter What You Order, You Get......

2008-11-04T22:50:00.000-08:00

It's not Obama that I fear, it's the throngs of starry eyed apostles washing his feet with their hair that give me a moment of pause. As for the man himself, he has people he has to answer to as well and they just spent the gross domestic product of a small nation to ensure his success. There is a quid pro quo to becoming president and Barack is most certainly shopping for a set of knee pads as we speak. So I have high expectations that things will remain SNAFU for the foreseeable future. People seem to overlook the fact that he is just one cog in the gargantuan colossus know as the DNC.

Thus we are left with the unwashed masses screaming his name and the cold fear begins to make my back muscles spasm. The man simply cannot deliver at the level of expectation placed on him. Yet he is the great Obama vanquishing evil with the power of his melanin. The savior of the human race. This level of optimism leaves no room for doubt, no allowance for questions. I worry that he is incapable of error in the eyes of his worshipers. Everything he and the DNC do will be correct. If that is the case then who is watching the watchmen?

Sticky Nugs of Dank Cauliflower

2008-11-01T08:59:00.001-07:00

Behold my hydroponic production facility producing lettuce at a mere $50 a head. Ah, but the kids like it and having some green around and bright light will probably help me through the despair of winter. After some rigorous analysis in the form of tallying up my receipts, I've determined that there can be only one product that is profitable under a hydroponic system. Judging from the walk in clientele at the hydroponics store, I'm pretty sure i was the only one there growing vegetables. I must admit to a certain fascination if not down right temptation. How often do you get a chance to screw criminals and the government at the same time. It would be effortless and undetectable. However the state and the federal government seem to be locked in some heroic conflict over who gets to violate me as a free citizen. I think I'll wait and see where the dust settles.

Anyhooh it's been an interesting undertaking. Historically the only plants that got water in my house are the ones that climbed off the shelf and drank strait from the tap. Needless to say there have been numerous botanical casualties. I often feel like some ogre sized retard asphyxiating and crushing the poor kittys i love so dearly. Under this system the plants get automatically watered three times a day and spend 18 hours under direct light, also automatically controlled. Perhaps the plants are finally safe.

Meow how fast you were going?

2008-10-31T16:35:00.001-07:00

A lip from another era. I have it from a reliable source that with a good mustache you can find yourself fallen prey to the urban creature known as the "cougar." This may be a good or bad thing depending on your feelings on the subject. I think Lane secretly likes it but can't get over some deep shame. Perhaps she senses her approaching cougardom? I'll have to remember to time it again for next Halloween. It will go perfect with my Hooters Girl costume.

Healthy Sucks

2008-10-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

Ok so I've quit smoking and nicotine gum for about a month. My lung power has probably tripled and I'm an ice skating machine now. I've moved up to center because i can now skate end to end better than anyone else on my team. That alone will keep me from smoking. Beyond that however not smoking really sucks. You know people that say how much things improved after they quit, I want to stab them in the neck. Everything has gone to hell. I can't concentrate, I'm almost useless at work, no focus, no discipline. Feels like everything is falling apart and I'm a month out. It's supposed to get better but it's just getting worse. I need a new drug....

Dumb Stuff I Do

2008-10-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

Well i almost broke my foot last night trying to block a slapshot with my skate. Now i'm going to be limping for the weekend. The same maneuver got me this bruise a few weeks before.

And a full sized image.

2008-04-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

Lets try out this phone thing.

2008-04-19T00:21:00.000-07:00

Just going to try out the mobile posting. The great and glorious gunther.

Doomed to Fail

2008-04-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

Ok so i think my world record for keeping a journal is about 3 days so i'm not to optimistic that this thing is going to work out.